


roses are red

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Drugs, Gen, Horror, Sexual Humor, member love, side pin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-31
Updated: 2009-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-31 05:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12675825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: KAT-TUN and NEWS spend the night in a mansion which may be alive. Or haunted. Or just old.





	roses are red

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. loosely based on rose red by stephen king.

“Why can’t we ever collaborate with Arashi?” Ueda muttered as he lugged his suitcase along the shiny wooden floor.

“YAY NEWS!” Jin exclaimed from right behind him, breezing past and flailing into the grand foyer. “This is going to be totally awesome!”

“What did you give him?” Kame asked Koki, who winked.

On the other side of the ancient, creepy house, there was a loud thud. Suddenly Yamapi came flying, kicking up dust bunnies in his wake and running towards Jin like they were in a cornfield. KT-TUN watched in amusement (or disgust) as the two best friends smashed into each other, hugging and spinning and possibly crying with glee.

“They just saw each other _yesterday_ ,” Ryo inputted from the doorway. “I was _there_.”

Koki had his phone out, ready to do business. “Hundred yen says they do it in every room of this place.”

“Do what, act like five-year-olds?” Kame asked, making a face.

“Depends,” Maru said seriously to Koki, ignoring Kame. “How many beds are there? Showers or tubs? Is there an island counter in the kitchen?”

“There is _definitely_ an island counter in the kitchen,” Massu chimed in, greeting Maru with a quick hand-slap-and-snap before grinning at everyone. “I would put my money on that, if I were a betting man.”

“Every room but the attic,” Junno called out from the main room, his voice echoing. “Jin’s too scared to go up there.”

“I heard that,” Jin said sadly, turning to Yamapi with a pout. “Why do they keep insisting that we are… you know, _like that_?”

“Because they’re jealous,” Yamapi answered, pouting back until Jin’s frown turned upside-down. “Come on, let’s go explore!”

They skipped away, hand in hand.

Ueda inwardly cursed his luck as he continued dragging his heavy luggage up the stairs and into the first room he saw. Koyama and Shige were in there, but Ueda didn’t mind them. Even if they were wearing white jumpsuits and hunched over some contraption with a needle that jumped when he entered.

“Oh hello, Ueda-kun,” Koyama said calmly, then focused on the instrument. “Does that mean Ueda-kun is a poltergeist?”

“I don’t think so,” Shige replied with a disappointed face. He shook the thing and it continued to move. “Maybe it just senses bad attitudes.”

Ueda flung his suitcase on the other side of the bed, opened it, and started setting out his nighttime supplies. “What are you two doing?” he asked against his better judgment.

“Checking for ghosts,” Koyama replied seriously.

Frustrated, Shige shook the thing again.

Ueda’s stomach growled. Leaving the two NewS members to their own devices, as strange as they were, he returned to the lower level to see Massu putting together a snack while Tegoshi and Maru chatted amiably with him.

Then Jin’s distinct shriek ripped through the entire house.

After quenching his hunger on Massu’s abandoned party platter, Ueda strolled into the parlor room to see what was the matter. The crowd of idols were gathered around an open closet, inside which dangled a skeleton.

“I feel so fat,” Tegoshi commented to Koki, sucking in his stomach.

“You don’t really think that’s real, do you?” Ueda surveyed the room as a whole.

“Of course not!” Jin answered quickly, running a hand suavely through his hair (Yamapi fixed it right after). “I was just startled, is all.”

As Koki walked by, Ueda caught a glimpse of him checking off ‘parlor room’ on his phone. He instantly felt nauseous.

“All right, assholes,” Ryo boomed from the middle of the group; Ueda couldn’t see him. “Clearly we need some leadership here, so I will grudgingly do the honors-”

“ _We_ don’t need any leadership,” Kame announced from where he was distancing himself from the others. “ _Your_ group may need structure, but we don’t.”

Koki nodded and folded his arms in what he probably thought was an intimidating manner.

Ueda was pretty sure he saw Maru’s face smack into his palm. However, neither one of them was quick to jump for Ryo’s suggestion either.

Yamapi sighed and detached himself from Jin. “Guys. All we have to do is spend the night in this haunted mansion. We don’t even have to pair up with someone from the other group-”

In a flash, Jin latched onto him, Maru grabbed Massu by the collar, Koyama and Shige clung onto one another, and Kame and Koki linked pinkies.

Ueda glanced at Junno, then Tegoshi, and pushed Junno towards Ryo.

Tegoshi grinned brightly up at him, and Ueda resisted the urge to pet him on the head. “Stay on your side of the bed,” is all he said.

“Okay, Ueda-kun,” Tegoshi chirped in response.

Ueda caught Ryo eyeing Junno in disgust and felt like he’d made the right decision.

Then the lights went out.

Predictably Jin was the first to scream, followed by some rustling and finally a scandalized noise that Ueda recognized as Shige. A tiny flame slowly grew from a lighter that Koyama held up, quickly joined by Ryo, Koki, Kame, and Jin as they caught on.

“Ah, the smokers!” Tegoshi exclaimed. “I never thought I would be grateful for that filthy habit.”

Maru folded his arms and shook his head. “Are we the only ones who actually packed for a night in a haunted mansion?”

Nobody answered him, so he just sighed and pulled off his and Massu’s backpacks. Inside were blankets, first aid kits, chapstick, peanut M&Ms, rope, and _candles_.

Ryo shrugged and lowered his lighter to one of the candles, which glowed and filled the room with a pleasant, floral scent. At least to Ueda, who frowned in confusion as every single member of NewS (including the one who _brought_ the candles) and Jin wrinkled their noses.

“Mmm, roses,” Junno cooed happily. “Let’s play a game!”

Kame peeked inside Maru’s bag. “Got any liquor in there?”

“I’ve got a better idea,” Koki declared, a wicked smirk growing on his face as he pulled a baggie out of his pocket.

An hour later, all twelve of them were sufficiently baked, including Shige who had adamantly refused to partake but continued to breathe the air. The lights were back on, but nobody wanted to make the effort to get up and flip the switch.

And Junno had batsu game cards. (“I knew I liked you for a reason,” Ryo said fondly, and Ueda didn’t like the look in Junno’s eye at that.) It took a lot of lazy arguing and reluctant agreeing, but eventually they decided to ask each other questions they thought they should already know the answers to.

“If you’re wrong,” Jin explained, “you have to pick a card.”

“ _No lying_ ,” Yamapi added firmly. “Let’s have an honest game.”

Ueda knew better than that. He watched in amusement as Jin and Yamapi demonstrated on each other. “When’s my birthday?” Yamapi asked.

“April tenth,” Jin replied.

Yamapi gasped.

“Uh-oh,” Massu said sympathetically.

Ryo stared in interest as he shared a bag of peanut M&Ms with Junno.

“I mean,” Jin caught on, “April tenth in _America_ , which is April _ninth_ in Japan!”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Shige proclaimed loudly, looking like it was hurting him to find logic in Jin’s words. “It’s completely ass backwards.”

“You hush,” Jin snapped, pointing a finger at Shige.

Meanwhile, Yamapi quickly resembled a kicked puppy. “You forgot my birthday?”

“All bets are off,” Koki grumbled, reluctantly handing back money. “He went and did it now.”

“Card!” Maru exclaimed suddenly, nearly falling over himself to push the stack towards Jin. “Pick your punishment, Jin.”

Yamapi sat back and sniffed, gesturing to the pile.

After considering it for entirely too long, Jin picked a card. Kame snatched it from him immediately and appeared to take great joy in reading it aloud: “Introduce yourself as a drag queen.”

Jin heaved a large sigh, bowed his head, and mussed up his hair. When he looked up, he was biting his lip and batting his eyelashes. His hair was a bit frizzy, framing his face like slutty curtains, and Ueda for one was amazed at how their resident sexpot could – in the blink of an eye _and_ without makeup – greatly resemble a transvestite hooker the morning after a gangbang while making the walk of shame in the wind.

Or maybe he was just a little stoned.

“Hi,” Jin drawled, giggling as he curled a piece of hair around his finger. “I’m Jinnifer.”

Kame gulped.

“Somebody hold those two back,” Ueda spoke up, motioning to Kame and Koki. “Rumor has it they can’t tell the difference.”

Only Koki gave him the finger.

“Okay, okay,” Yamapi said, shoving Kame out of the way and returning to Jin’s side. “I forgive you.”

“April ninth,” Jin whispered, not breaking character. “In America _and_ Japan.”

Ueda was pretty sure he saw stars in Yamapi’s eyes.

“My turn!” Ryo announced, and nobody cared enough to correct him. “Yamashita, how many brothers do I have?”

“A-guh?” Yamapi replied eloquently, eyes locked on Jin’s lips as they’re licked by Jin’s pink tongue.

Ryo made a noise like a buzzer and helpfully pulled Yamapi’s card for him. Clearing his throat, he commanded Yamapi’s attention as he recited his fate. “Call the ninth person on your contact list and confess your love.”

With a sly smile, Yamapi scrolled through his phone and pushed a button. A second later, Jin’s phone rang.

“I’m _ninth_?” Jin cried. “But I’m an A!”

“I have a lot of A’s,” Yamapi replied defensively. “Now pick up so I can pick you up.”

“ _No_ ,” Ryo said firmly. “Trust me, nobody in this room wants to witness that.”

Ueda can’t find room to argue.

“Tego-nyan,” Ryo called out. “Pick a number between one and seventy.”

“Sixty-nine!” Tegoshi exclaimed, and Koki beamed proudly.

Ryo gave Yamapi a smug look. “Call the sixty-ninth person, then.”

Shrugging, Yamapi thumbed down the list yet again while Ueda briefly wondered how Ryo knew exactly how many people Yamapi had in his phone. Then, when no one else’s phone rang, eleven faces leaned forward in anticipation.

“Senpai,” Yamapi began in a choked voice. “I have to tell you something, something that has been weighing on me for a long time.”

Jin covered his mouth like a true twelve-year-old and Yamapi pushed at him with his free hand.

“Who’s number sixty-nine?” Koyama asked curiously, and Shige shook his head.

Ryo cackled evilly.

“I can’t get it out of my mind,” Yamapi went on, pausing to heave a rushed sigh. “The images of you, me – _us_.”

Ueda found himself biting his knuckles and supposed that immaturity spread in large groups.

“I just…” Yamapi made a whiny noise, then punched the ground. “I’m so in love with you, senpai!”

Everyone else was on the edge of the seat while Yamapi’s face took on a pained expression as he shook out his fist.

Then he paused. “What do you mean ‘what about Jin’?”

Jin unsuccessfully hid a smile.

“But-” Yamapi protested, evidently not getting very far as the voice on the other line chattered on. “Oh, I see… Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

Ueda raised an eyebrow as Yamapi kept nodding.

“I understand,” Yamapi said firmly. “Thanks, senpai. I’ll let you know how it works out.”

Oblivious to the gaping looks, Yamapi folded his phone shut and turned to Jin with a casual look. “So, um, can I talk to you later?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jin replied, just as casually. “Who was that just now?”

“Takki,” Yamapi replied, his cheeks heating up. “I can’t fool him.”

Half of the room nodded knowingly. Nakamaru was the next one to play out of order, getting Koki on his major (to be fair, Ueda didn’t remember either) and looking quite satisfied when Koki’s batsu card made him walk like a model for thirty seconds.

After the cat-calls died (and a disturbing hundred-yen note to the belt from Kame), Koyama got Shige on his sister’s first name and looked like he would burst into tears from the inhumanity of it. Jin picked his batsu card while Shige pleaded his case, and Ueda is fairly certain that Jin took liberties with the actual punishment. He couldn’t imagine that a batsu card would actually say “run around the house screaming ‘I want to be a penis!'”

He had to admit, though, it was kind of (unintentionally) smart on Jin’s part. After being subjected to Shige’s high-volume declarations, no ghost would want to waste their time with them.

They played for a little while longer, growing bored and sleepy, and Ueda made it to the point where he was starting to learn things about his bandmates that he never, _ever_ wanted to know before bowing out.

He brought his roommate with him, because the youngest was already fast asleep and not heavy at all on Ueda’s back.

They both slept soundly.

 _Meanwhile_ , the house started to make some interesting noises.

“Is that… a moan?” Shige inquired, making a face at the thought of an aroused structure.

“It’s the _wind_ , moron,” retorted Ryo, although he didn’t look too certain from the way he had flown into Junno’s lap.

Then the room started to shake. Koyama and Jin screamed, Yamapi curled into a ball, and Nakamaru and Massu quickly herded all of them away from the windows. They all watched in awe as the walls seemed to bulge out and contract, much like a muscle.

“I think,” Massu said slowly, stalling to clear his throat. “I think this house is sexually frustrated.”

Eight people stared at him in disbelief while Junno considered the doorframe he was sitting next to. Carefully he lifted a hand to rub the corner, up and down, becoming more firm with each stroke.

The house calmed a little.

“You have _got_ to be kidding me!” Shige yelled at no one in particular.

“I’d rather have poltergeists,” Koyama mumbled as he reluctantly slapped the floor, which shuddered and settled down soon after.

Jin was eyeing the door handles. “Do you think it’s a girl house or a boy house?”

“Wee!” Yamapi cheered as he slid down the stair banister. “This is fun!”

In the bathroom, crouched far away from the growling toilet, Kame glared at Koki. “What did you _give_ us?”

“I don’t know anymore,” Koki answered shakily.

They both yelped when the showerhead detached itself and doused them with ice cold water.

“Definitely a girl house,” Kame sputtered, shaking his wet hair out of his face.

Back in the main room, the shaking and morphing just seemed to get worse.

“Don’t you see what’s happening?” Ryo yelled against the pressurized air and flying furniture. “We have to get it off!”

“Get _what_ off?” Massu asked, doing his part by scrubbing the stove.

Ryo rolled his eyes. “We have to make the house _come_!”

“How are we supposed to do that?” Shige snapped, his face red from his ministrations with the couch.

“The same way you do it with real girls,” Ryo shot back.

Both Koyama and Shige looked at a loss.

However, Jin and Yamapi both lit up. “That’s it!” Yamapi declared. “All we have to do is stimulate the clitoris!”

Jin’s face fell. “The what?”

“ _Oh_!” Maru exclaimed, looking relieved as he poked his head out from where he’d been hiding behind Junno. “Well, that ought to be easy.”

“Now to just _find_ it,” Yamapi mumbled, frowning as he glanced around the spacious room. “It should have a central location, be out in the open, and have a large influence on the rest of the house.”

Even Ryo looked a bit impressed.

“Ah!” squealed Massu, racing towards the middle of the main room. “Could it be…”

Seven pairs of eyes followed his finger as it pointed up, right to the dusty chandelier that looked like it was in danger of breaking off and falling right on top of them with the way it was swaying back and forth.

“There’s no way we can get close to that without getting hurt,” Shige pointed out.

Yamapi sighed. “Sometimes you have to sacrifice your comfort for her pleasure.” He licked his lips and clapped his hands together. “Somebody give me a boost.”

“A boost?” Jin repeated. “You’re going to need a ten-man pyramid to get to that bitch.”

Yamapi grinned. “What a coincidence, we have ten people here.”

“More realistically,” Maru spoke up. “We have _furniture_.”

Massu grabbed for his bag. “And rope!”

“Rope!” Yamapi exclaimed. “Okay, listen up. This is what we’re going to do…”

Quickly, Ryo grabbed the dripping Kame and Koki from the bathroom, but not before hissing, “And _this_ is why we have a leader.”

Everyone watched attentively as Yamapi went over The Plan, then reconstructed The Plan to allow for a group of buzzkilled weiners who didn’t want to do anything. Basically The Plan involved Shige tying a knot on one end of the balcony, then Yamapi would take off from the middle of the stairs and Tarzan his way across the main room. At the same time, Jin and Massu would stand on top of the mountain of furniture they’d managed to erect, none of which was sturdy, and Junno would take a running start from the other side of the house to gain momentum, then get a boost from Ryo and Koki before (hopefully) being caught by Jin and Massu who would push him up towards the crossing Yamapi and the inevitable chandelier.

“There is no way in hell this is going to work,” Shige informed them all from the balcony, the railing of which quivered under his touch. “You’re going to get yourselves _killed_.”

Kame nudged Koyama. “So do you think we’re lucky to be excluded or should I be offended?”

“Definitely lucky,” Koyama replied, offering the other a smile. “If something happens to them, then you, me, and Shige can start the New World Order.”

Now Kame just looked scared. Koyama presumably assumed he was worried for his bandmates and put a comforting arm around him.

“Ready?” Junno called out from the distance.

“Ready!” Yamapi replied.

At the top of two sofas, a foosball table, and two dining room chairs, Jin flexed his arm muscles. “Let’s do this, Masuda.”

Massu didn’t even have to flex; he just smiled and his biceps contracted. “Let’s do it!”

Ryo and Koki smirked at each other. “I’ve always wanted to throw that guy,” Koki admitted. “Usually it’s out a window, but this will have to do.”

“Now!” Yamapi announced, and Junno shot off like a cannon. He waited until Junno reached Ryo and Koki before jumping from the mid-story landing, accompanying himself with monotone yodeling as Junno bounced off of Massu and Jin’s palms and ended up right on Yamapi’s shoulders. There was just a little bit of pressure as Junno jumped yet again, then the world turned pitch black along with the unmistakable sound of a chandelier being shattered.

But the house was now still.

“I cannot fucking believe this,” Shige shouted, his voice echoing amongst the clinking of broken glass.

“Can’t believe what, Shige?” a sleepy voice asked, and a flashlight flipped on to reveal Tegoshi’s tonsils as he yawned.

“I… um…” Shige started, then sighed. “I don’t even know where to begin!”

“Ow,” groaned somebody from down below. “I think I broke my head.”

“You couldn’t have,” replied a deflated tone. “My neck broke its fall.”

“We can be KKK _redux_!” Koyama hissed excitedly to Kame, who was slowly inching away.

“Is everybody okay?” Yamapi asked, sounding perky as ever.

“Yeah,” six voices chorused, followed by Maru’s weak “I think I got cut, though.”

“Walk it off, pansy,” Ryo scoffed.

A half hour later, Koyama had utilized both of the first aid kits and grinned at the bandaged, limping men before him. “Yay, our double member love won against the house!”

“The house?” Tegoshi repeated, tilting his head. “What do you mean?”

Koyama explained the whole thing to Tegoshi, using family-appropriate terms like “brain” instead of “clitoris,” and Tegoshi nodded along until the end.

“I felt something weird when I woke up,” Tegoshi told them, “but I just thought to myself, ‘stop it, Yuuya, there’s no such thing as haunted houses.’ And it stopped.”

Everyone blinked at him. Not even cynical Shige could think of anything to say.

Tegoshi blinked back, then flashed a grin. “Breakfast?”

~bonus~

The next morning, Ueda rolled out of bed to find a completely normal house with both NewS and KAT-TUN members fully intact, albeit a little bruised and cut up from whatever went on last night that he most definitely did _not_ want to know about. Huffing at the obvious normality – he expected _something_ scary to happen, at the very least – he trudged down the hall and into the bathroom, where he stopped short at the very red, very _wet_ note on the mirror.

_Roses are red_  
Violets are blue  
I’ll get you, my pretty  
And your little dog, too 

“ _Finally_ ,” Ueda said to himself, pulling out his toothbrush as he thought to himself that Yamapi sure had an interesting way of confessing.


End file.
